Mastering Co-Regulation

 A hard truth of parenting is that an unregulated adult cannot help an unregulated child.

 But there is nothing so triggering for a parent than when their child is distressed, aggressive, in freeze, intensely hyper, in burn out, or having a meltdown.

Neurodivergent children can have an extra challenging time with emotional regulation. Anger can erupt seemingly out of nowhere. Even seemingly innocuous behaviours like talking non-stop, stimming, bouncing off the furniture – these are all signs your child is trying to regulate and, to be frank, it can be irritating and challenge your ability to remain calm.

Co-regulation is a critical skill when parenting an ND child. Your unregulated kid will seek out your nervous system to calm and sooth them. You are the safe place their anger can land.

So how do you remain calm and regulated for your child?

1.        Stop talking (most of what you say will trigger your child) and take deep breaths. I highly recommend two short breaths through the nose, with a long breath out the mouth – this has been proven to calm the vagal pathways.

2.        Remain present but avoid touching your child if you can. Touch and restraint can be traumatising, especially to autistic children.

3.        Find a saying that works for you. You might remind yourself ‘my child is disabled, this is not within their control’. You might take a tough love approach ‘you are the adult here, your job is to be the grown up’. You might reassure and validate ‘this is a tough moment, but it will pass more quickly if I remain calm’.

Like any skill, you need to practise. The good news is our ND kids give us lots of opportunities! Overtime, you can change your nervous system response to your unregulated child and become a co-regulation master.

You’ve got this.